Like an interpreter, a translator, a grandmother, a kindergarten teacher or an A+ student who tests well, I’m full of understanding. I understand completely. My perspective affords me both objective and a participant’s credibility. The motivation, the intention, the reason behind what we are both doing makes perfect sense to me.
And yes, I mean it, of course I’m doing the same thing, too. I won’t call either of us guilty of it, though. I mean, you think I would keep calling myself an anarchist if I thought I could honestly get myself out of it. I’m just as inclined to pretend the system is viable, too. I’m just as likely to act in ways my spirit truly finds unconscionable in the name of my dedication to the status quo. It’s kinda gross.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to blame either of us, not myself or you. It’s only natural to keep trying even (especially) when you know the effort’s doomed. All the more so if the reach of the thing goes beyond you. If it has the power to impact people you love.
So, no, it is not coincidence nor an honest reflection of my true feelings, this current distance. It is, rather, a responsive (?reactionary) effort to match the direction I’ve sought and gleaned from your behavior. However (secret) indirect both of our efforts, to comprehend and to express ourselves and our plans have been, we seem to be engaged in the same trip down the old river of avoidance.
I’m cool with that. It never changes anything. It never has. I never will. I just wanted to make sure you know. I miss you. I think the system responsible for the covert ways the world operates is unnecessary and superfluous and ineffective and possibly (in some cases) dangerous.
But I don’t think we (or the other people we love) will be hurt by our current practice, at least not in any acute or urgent way beyond the usual socially-accelerated erosion of spirit. And it seems to be the most comfortable thing for you, so I’m fairly willing to keep going along with it.
The only part that kind of sucks is… shit. How do I say it? What sucks is that I really like the way I am growing to feel more like a kid inside. And this decision, this act, puts me square in the bullshit camp with the grownups.
It sucks but, like all things, it will pass.