1. Star Trek: The Animated Series
    breaking original ground in the genre
    ??? of tentacle porn ???
                                              ~ so yeah, Lydia made a thing. for reals. 

     

  2. true story

    Lydia and I are sitting here laptopping together. Her spring break starts tomorrow :) mine is over. My mom sent her an email FULL of bad puns and we are sitting here cracking up. For example, pun #14: A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass!

     
  3. "PUPPYSTACHE"

    just got this text from my daughter and the dog, in the other room
    best text evaaaaa! 

     

  4. sadly

    we both know
    yen is not zen

    Tagged #lol #derp
     

  5. or i’m thinking too hard

    it takes a real man
    to not do something
    and yet still somehow manage
    to not do it
    aggressively

     

  6. this is not the first time i have tried {and failed} to think my ass out of the ocean when what i need to be doing is swimming like a motherfucker. feel the water? it’s wet, huh? duh. that’s all you need know. now swim. 

     

  7. small wonders

    I sometimes wonder how much less than bedazzling the life of a hollywood starlet must be to resort to salon treatments like vajazzling. Then I wonder how boring their stories must be. Which is when I start feeling sorry for the vajazzlers who must be boredazzled being bore-boarded repeatedly with the small talk of these pretty young things. I wonder how they space their appointments and what the recovery time between boredasms must be. It’s a good exercise. Who would have guessed that contemplating a career in pussies could make me glad to be a librarian. Small favors, gracing me. 

     

  8. to viewers of reality tv

    she said
    in a loud
    exasperated
    voice
    hands flapping
    palms raised

    dears, please

    stop bending over
    do not smile
    don’t spread your cheeks
    pull your pants up
    turn around
    say no 
    walk away
    just don’t do it
    voluntarily
    anymore
    stop watching
    you’re only encouraging them

    please

     

  9. mist opportunities

    plop plop plop
    dropped ate malapropisms
    in two the conversation
    to raze questions about my education
    resulting in sloppy linguistic cogitations
    reverend harts preying for salivation
    among the deer folks congregating
    to see someone of greater statue than me
    like our farmer precedent so good at holding hostile
    the captive attention of every audience
    that is why it is called: bush is him
    and here you thought it was a
    Bushism
    you might be even dumber than me
    and him

     

  10. accidental comics (aka teenage boys)

    and the 16 year old boy says:

    "Okay. So I was, well, um, doing some manscaping —”

    prompting my daughter to crack up hysterically in his face
    in response to which he replies

    "Well, what do you want me to say? Okay, then. I was trimming the hair around my genitals…

    causing said daughter to fall down in seizures of gut gripping laughter
    right there in the middle of the high school cafeteria lunch line

    he didn’t get why it was so funny
    especially since he nearly castrated himself
    that was the point of his story 

    it was high drama
    if not that then at least a suspense thriller
    but certainly not a comedy

     

  11. drupe don’t droop

    it is all about texture
    scratchy brown hair
    white meat to dry
    my mouth out
    cool rich sips
    nutrient
    essential three
    fruit nut & seed
    coconut love me

     

  12. Imagine If…

    Imagine for just a second, a world where you could have all the romantic, sexy, intense soul-satisfying, comforting gratifyiing, validating Love you wanted. It would be easy to find, easy to navigate interpersonally,  easy to enjoy and easy to give and to receive inside the relationship. Obstacles would be few and mostly fun challenges. Imagine you could have this, right now, or at any time, guaranteed. 

    The only “catch” if you can call it that, is that there would be strict inhibitions, rules, yea impossibilities that stood against all forms of domestic partnership. You would not be allowed to reorganize the major pratical aspects of your life based on this romantic love. You could make changes and move from place to place and have different careers and join a bowling league and every single other thing you wanted to do  would be exactly the same, it would all be up to you. But you would never be allowed…well basically, romantic love would never stand as an option, as an impetus, for changing your life. Significant practical personal change would have to come from someplace else.

    Romantic love would never be a “magic ticket” for anybody. It would be more like…a creative endeavor, or a hobby you were passionate about, or eating. All things of utmost importance. Necessities, I would argue. But none of them are typicallyseen as a source of total life rescue. Rather, they are ways we express ourselves. Ways we express ourselves best. If they have a meaningful impact on our lives it is because, dare I say individually, we will them to. But we know in those cases, we are the source, the motivation for the change. No hobby can change a boulder. You get the picture. 

    So, if all domestic life partnerships were off, if people had to organize their own lives, even when inside the context of romance. Well, I think that would be kind of nifty. I think the world might even be a better place. And I’m almost one-hundred percent completely sure the writing on tumblr would be way more interesting and varied. 

     

  13. Dear twenty-something-*boy*-in-the-cafeteria-line-who-I-eavesdropped-on-while-I-was-waiting-for-my-cup-o’-soup,

    You are stupid. And lucky. So far. First because I resisted my urge to educate you right there and then in front of those attractive young women. And second because…well you are so idiotic I don’t even know where to begin.  But, lord knows, I’m feeling obligated (for the world’s sake) to give it a go. 

    Of foremost importance: If you are unprepared for parenthood - even with a condom - you should not be “fucking” that “girl you like” and describe as “pro-life”. Condoms are almost as fallible as your logic in thinking you can “beat off” all the “mature sperm” as long as you wank it within 48 hours of doing your nasty. That’s just crap. 

    It is almost as ridiculous as that other thing you said, that thing that all the most aggressive sickening men say: “I can pull out in time, baby, I’m *that* good.” Excuse me while I laugh until I cry. 

    Finally, your fear of getting a vasectomy because you are afraid the color of your jiz will change just proves you are *way* too emotionally immature to be playing around with real sex. So please, do us all a huge favor, save us from more unwantedness and ignorance and go back to slapping yourself silly alone or with porn. Whatever it takes, just…please. 

    Twice Terrified, Sincerely. 

     

  14. real women…

    find vasectomies sexy

     

  15. is there a pickpocket-er’s union?

    maybe it was the pickpocket-ers union
    yeah, i’ll bet they cut the lights
    it’d be funny if the big screen
    said: check your pockets
    and everyone’s wallet was gone

    an army of little oliver twists
    they cleaned the place out in 15 minutes