1. if…

    you were a pecan farmer
    a nut magnet
    would be handy
    ideal even

     

  2. watch out for falling apples

    they ain’t no softies, them
    they have crunchy gold
    over there then
    in the orchard

     

  3. junk i give to my sister

    boy have i got a croquet set for you
    it’s missing two stoppers
    but not on the same mallet
    and it has an extra wicket
    i think or two
    all the balls are grass stained
    but none are missing
    the rack stands upright
    without even needing
    to be glued
    i don’t remember how
    i came by it
    no matter though
    because i am pretty sure
    it was never ever
    ever brand new

    i hope you like it
    even better than
    those old boxes
    all thirteen of them
    full of half used
    craft supplies
    the ones i
    dropped off
    in your garage
    this summer
    while you were
    on vacation

     

  4. no wonder i am never understood

     

  5. no bigger

    rituals the size
    of the circling
    spiral of our
    ancestors

    each with
    a guest

    or seven

     

  6. my kid’s friends made adjustments to her phone’s autocorrect text shortcuts as follows:

    and = and dick
    fine = I need to get some
    the = butt sex
    ok = I pity the fool
    hey = I hate my mom
    like = butt hole cramping poop

    needless to say, we’ve had a couple of interesting text exchanges this evening. 

    Tagged #lol
     

  7. never have i encountered anyone so ridiculously incapable of recognizing a blatant come-on (given and/or received) as straight dudes in the throes of bromance. whether it is an incidental, spontaneously in the moment with a stranger case of bromance, or a full-blown man crush thingy, they are fundamentally incapable of holding the obvious about it in their consciousness. 

    from a woman’s perspective, it is nearly unbelievable, as demonstrated in these snippets of actual conversations i have had with men friends over the years:

    um, oh yeah? he was driving really fast and crazy with you in the sporty car. um? come-on. i mean, come on

    um, oh yeah? he was admiring your deep voice and suggesting you could be a singer? um? come-on. I mean, really? come on

    um, oh really? yeah? he invited you to the opera and then back to his place for Chinese take out? um? only a come-on of the most obvious - if still unconscious - nature. I mean, really. come on. 

    he is trying to get in your pants, dude
    {whether either of you realizes it or not}

     
  8. Star Trek: The Animated Series
    breaking original ground in the genre
    ??? of tentacle porn ???
                                              ~ so yeah, Lydia made a thing. for reals. 

     

  9. true story

    Lydia and I are sitting here laptopping together. Her spring break starts tomorrow :) mine is over. My mom sent her an email FULL of bad puns and we are sitting here cracking up. For example, pun #14: A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass!

     
  10. "PUPPYSTACHE"

    just got this text from my daughter and the dog, in the other room
    best text evaaaaa! 

     

  11. sadly

    we both know
    yen is not zen

    Tagged #lol #derp
     

  12. or i’m thinking too hard

    it takes a real man
    to not do something
    and yet still somehow manage
    to not do it
    aggressively

     

  13. this is not the first time i have tried {and failed} to think my ass out of the ocean when what i need to be doing is swimming like a motherfucker. feel the water? it’s wet, huh? duh. that’s all you need know. now swim. 

     

  14. small wonders

    I sometimes wonder how much less than bedazzling the life of a hollywood starlet must be to resort to salon treatments like vajazzling. Then I wonder how boring their stories must be. Which is when I start feeling sorry for the vajazzlers who must be boredazzled being bore-boarded repeatedly with the small talk of these pretty young things. I wonder how they space their appointments and what the recovery time between boredasms must be. It’s a good exercise. Who would have guessed that contemplating a career in pussies could make me glad to be a librarian. Small favors, gracing me. 

     

  15. to viewers of reality tv

    she said
    in a loud
    exasperated
    voice
    hands flapping
    palms raised

    dears, please

    stop bending over
    do not smile
    don’t spread your cheeks
    pull your pants up
    turn around
    say no 
    walk away
    just don’t do it
    voluntarily
    anymore
    stop watching
    you’re only encouraging them

    please