musings on muss
The problem with this storyline is that I’m working from really old notes and even older memories and they were all stuff I locked away and wrote off a long time ago but not so much with words as with lies I tried so hard to tell myself. Because I thought I could unclaim some of these experiences and now I can’t even remember why I wanted to, why I thought is was so important and I want them back as pieces of the whole me but I don’t want to break any of the pieces off that might have brittled with age even though they were once real and whole and movable parts that functioned in ways within my heart. And then of course there’s that pesky present tense I had to go and start writing it all in and it just adds to the already slightly overwhelming confusion and there might even be a hint of the shade of shame mixed in the hue. Not to mention that parts of the story that are critical to tell as context and such are really interesting but so far out there in truth no-one will ever believe they’re not fiction and I don’t want them to diminish the authencity of why I’m telling but it still seems wrong to leave out good juicy details just in the name of believability when who really cares because I’m not writing it to sell my soul out or seal any deal other than my own with myself, anyway. Anyway…
I loved those guys and they’re not easy to write.
sigh and hurumph.