i’ll give you this much… in truth
There are the demons you invite onto your lap for introductions, friend-making and enlightening conversation. And also because you’re desperately trying to soothe and calm them and keep them from tearing your house apart. These are the demons that need tending.
And then there are the demons you absorb.
My own certain solitude has become one of those — one of those grafted in and soaked up demons. It now lives in a beautiful kingdom inside of me that I can visit quite easily simply by opening a door. A door to a land where I am, as truth would have it, okay and okay alone. Okay with whatever I can manage to get from the regular everyday friendliness life will always have to offer. Actually somewhat relieved not to have to bother with anyone when it comes right down to the bottom line. In that world I am truly all my own. There lives the me that knows it could walk away from everything, anytime, and still exist with some consistency of character.
I am telling you because I want you to know that I have this. This sure place. This I’m not at all worried place. This I am more important to me than anyone (except my own kid) place. I can get there any time I want. Any time I need to. What’s more, I never feel thrust there anymore. I can go whenever I want and only when I want. The door swings and I am not afraid to wear those hinges down to nothing.
You might think that at least sometimes I write to satisfy an urge to impress you. That I write in order to people my nights with readers and the potential for feedback. Or that I write to be good at it. But it truly isn’t about that, not even about the attention. The simple truth is that I write because I feel like I have to. Writing is the door, the hinges, and my own hand upon it. It is the way through it. The only way I know. Writing has become the soothing emollient.
It is the cigarette, the whack off, the distraction and obviously the favored most favorite compulsion. As it so happens, it is also the avenue directly through to my own personal truths and intuition. It’s a road that takes me into the depths and away from all that I feel dependent upon. It is turning my back on anxiety with a chuckle and not a single white knuckle. It is my tic, my perseveration, my salvation and my damnation. It takes me away and it fills me full with the same drain that empties me.
It is also our insurance policy. If I disappear you know you can find me here, alone inside myself. If you need to disappear you know I have a place to go to hide until you come back round to find me again. It is dark and it is good and it is constant and it is mine. Let me share this reassurance with you. Please take it as treasured truth.